"Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic."
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"Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art."
"Education. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding."
"A cynic is a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, and not as they ought to be."
"The covers of this book are too far apart."
"Abscond. To move in a mysterious way, commonly with the property of another."
"A coward is one who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs."
"The Senate is a body of old men charged with high duties and misdemeanors."
"When in Rome, do as Rome does."
"Woman absent is woman dead."
"Wit. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out."
"Bride. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her."
"They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid."
"Truth -- An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance."
"Appeal. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw."
"Think twice before you speak to a friend in need."
"Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect."
"Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."
"To be positive: to be mistaken at the top of one's voice."
"Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to others."
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