"When I go to church, I can't get past the fact that I'm just listening to some fuckin guy. Do you ever think of that shit when you go in there? That's just some dude. And people are like, 'No! That's a special guy.' No it isn't! It isn't. No, he didn't levitate down from the ceiling with this white light around him.
Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you're gonna go when you die? It's just like: 'Dude, have you ever been dead? No. Great. So wouldn't it be safe to assume that you wouldn't have the slightest fuckin idea what you're talking about? Yeah, you're making it up. You're making the shit up. You're not fooling me with the robes and the candles, speakin in old English, 'He saideth unto you-eth'. Shut the fuck up, you don't talk like that. You're just some guy, your names Jerry, you play soccer, you got your ass kicked in gym class, and now you're doin this.'"
"It's weird, when you buy a house you just suddenly become really conservative. Before, when I rented, I didn't give a shit if there was a homeless guy jerking off on the street. I thought it was funny. 'Look at that guy right outside my window! Who needs cable when that guys sitting there rubbin one out? Look at the lady runnin!' It was great. But once you buy...every fuckin little thing. 'Ahhh there's a pothole down the street that needs to be covered!'"
"It's not until you're an adult that you appreciate how awesome a dog is. Your dreams start dyin, somebody cheats on ya, bankers fuck up your 401k, ya know? Then ya come home and that dog's looking at you and he's like, 'Dude, you're awesome!' It's like No dude, you -- YOU are fuckin awesome!"
"I think it's a really selfish thing, especially if your guy isn't making a lot of money, to make him go out and blow money on a shiny fucking rock that was dug out of the ground by a fuckin 8 year old. Ya know? Just because you're not mature enough as an adult to walk up to all your other girlfriends with your engagement ring and letting it be something other than a diamond or at the very least letting it be a diamond that your future husband can afford."
"Last night, I was talkin to this other comic and he was telling me how he likes the pope. 'Ya know, I like the pope. I like this guy. He says he's cool with atheists, they don't mind if gay people get married, and blah blah blah.' That's because they're hemorrhaging cash in the fuckin west in the northern hemisphere. It's a business. They're only adding people down in South America, but as far as up here they're fucked. They're losing people day by day, so they have to adjust their message."
"Are any terrorists listening to this podcast? Are ya? In a fuckin' cave right now jerkin' off to your 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising ya. First of all, they're not there. When ya die, ya go in the ground. Okay? That's where you're goin'. So what ya wanna do is ya wanna try to stay alive. Ya know? Meet yourself a cute fuckin' lady. Have a cookout. Ride a bicycle; feel the wind in your fuckin' hair... or in your beard. Ya know? Whata ya doin'?"
"You know that dumb song 'More money, more problems'? Yeah, because you're goin down to the fuckin titty bar with money hangin out of your pocket, dumpin Cristal all over a rug in front of people who work in cubicles. More titty bars, more problems... is really what it is."
"You know what I like about George Bush? He makes me feel like I could be president, too. No, he does. He's like the first guy, like, from my reading level, you know? The first guy, like, from my math class to finally go out and do something!"
"You better believe that they wanna make all their fuckin friends jealous, okay? And the greatest thing that could ever happen is if one of their friends is already married and if you go a couple of carats bigger and they can fuckin pull that out. That's like their biggest dick competition is whoever has the shiniest fuckin rock. You know what I mean? It really is fucking stupid."
"Women want you to suffer. You know what I mean? They want you to go 4 to 8 grand in debt. They want you to do that, and go to work every fucking day, knowing that you're working for their fucking love and the use of their fuckin vagina."