Submitted by Quonation
"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child."
"There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt."
"When humor goes, there goes civilization."
"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'."
"Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial."
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage."
"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
"It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else."
"I am not a glutton -- I am an explorer of food."
"Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide."
"Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth."
"It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows."
"Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other."
"Never accept a drink from a Urologist."
"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
Category: Health Care
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