"You hear that, Ben? Don't let him near the kid, he wants to rear your child!"
Submitted by Quonation
"Your face looks like Robin Williams' knuckles."
"Are you the lady who doesn't realize she's pregnant until she's sitting on the toilet and the kid pops out?"
"Yeah, it's a cure-all. My buddy Jonah broke his elbow one time. He just smoked some weed. It still clicks, but it's cool."
"I wish I liked anything as much as my kids like bubbles."
"Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."
"Fuck me in the beard."
"I'm going to murderball you!"
"He's playing fetch... with my kids... he's treating my kids like they're dogs."
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