"It doesn't have any effect on your life. What do you care?! People try to talk about it like it's a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, "How am I supposed to explain to my children that two men are getting married?... I dunno. It's your shitty kid. You fuckin' tell 'em. Why is that anyone else's problem? Two guys are in LOVE and they can't get married because you don't want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin' minutes?"
"'I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly. Do you understand? The fact that you're alive is amazing, so you don't get to say 'I'm bored.'"
"I never never never judge other parents now. I never do. I used to, but I never do. Like ya know when ya see a mother in McDonald's or some place or in a toy store and she's just melting down on her kid? She's like, 'Shut up. I hate you. You're ugly!' And people are standing around going oh my goodness, she's a horrible mother. Well guess what? Those people aren't fucking parents. They don't have kids. Cause any parents who were in that store were thinkin, 'What did that shitty kid do to that poor woman?'"
"You know what's amazing to me? You can name your kid anything you want. Isn't that incredible? The are NO laws. There should be a couple of laws. None. You can literally name your kid anything. You can name your kid a name with no vowels if you want, like 'Pnsndltn...'. Or just forty F's, that's his name. I'd like to name my kid a whole phrase, ya know? Somethin like 'Ladies and Gentlemen.' That'd be a cool name. This is my son, Ladies and Gentlemen. Then when he get's outa hand you'd have to say, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please!'"