"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"
Submitted by Quonation
"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy."
"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."
"Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole."
"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."
"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
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