"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying, 'here you throw this away.'"
Submitted by Quonation
Category: Funny
"Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning. Problem solved."
"If you're really successful at bullshitting, it means you're not hanging around enough people smarter than you."
"I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, 'Fuck that, I'll just make a copy.'"
"I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life."
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."
"I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality."
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it."
"One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older.", "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!"
"What better way to stand up and say 'I oppose gay peoples right to get married' than to head down to Chick-Fil-A, grab a hold of two buttery buns, split 'em open and gobble down some of that hot, greasy cock."
"I used to be self conscious about my height, but then I thought, fuck that, I'm Harry Potter."
"It doesn't have any effect on your life. What do you care?! People try to talk about it like it's a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, "How am I supposed to explain to my children that two men are getting married?... I dunno. It's your shitty kid. You fuckin' tell 'em. Why is that anyone else's problem? Two guys are in LOVE and they can't get married because you don't want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin' minutes?"
"Ya know, when I was a teenager I used to watch people like Richard Pryor and Robin Williams on television and think...Psht, I can do that!"
"A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof was to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools."
"Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing and regret it for the rest of the day. So now I will do the opposite, and I will do something."
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