"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."
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"No man was ever shot by his wife while doing the dishes."
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke forgets that she took him."
"Marriage isn't a word... it's a sentence."
"Every marriage tends to consist of an aristocrat and a peasant. Of a teacher and a learner."
"I've been married so long, I am on my third bottle of Tabasco sauce."
"A marriage is no amusement but a solemn act, and generally a sad one."
"Being married gives one one's position like nothing else can."
"Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly."
"The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds -- they mature slowly."
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults."
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution."
"It's not the men in my life that counts, it's the life in my men."
"They flaunt their conjugal felicity in one's face, as if it were the most fascinating of sins."
"Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed."
"The best part of married life is the fights. The rests is merely so."
"Marriage is a bribe to make a housekeeper think she's a householder."
"I was so cold the other day, I almost got married."
"Marriage isn't a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse."
"Any young man who is unmarried at the age of twenty one is a menace to the community."
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