“When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying, ‘here you throw this away.'”
Mitch Hedberg
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“Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning. Problem solved.”
Mitch Hedberg
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Mitch Hedberg Quote
Mitch Hedberg
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“I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, ‘Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.'”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture is of you when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.”, “You son of a bitch! How’d you pull that off? Let me see that camera!”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is…fucking clean.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I think Pringles’ original intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, ‘Fuck it, cut em up!'”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I think Bigfoot is blurry; that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. ‘Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.'”
Mitch Hedberg
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“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin’ on down there? Who is the real hero?”
Mitch Hedberg
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“Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I got business cards cause I want to win some lunches. That’s what my business card says: ‘Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner.'”
Mitch Hedberg
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“I saw a commercial on late night TV. It said,’Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.”
Mitch Hedberg
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Funny
