“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Family
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“I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Family
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“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Sports
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“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Confession
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“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Children
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“If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Sex
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“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Respectability
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“My wife and I were happy for twenty. Then we met!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Marriage
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“I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by Quonation |Category: Food
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“”Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.'””
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“”I was so poor growing up – if I wasn’t a boy – I’d have had nothing to play with””
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“”When I was born the doctor took one look at my face …. turned me over and said. Look … twins!””
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“Kids, I love my kids. I have three of them. One of each.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“The first time I had sex I was really scared, I was all alone.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too
”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
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“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
”
Rodney Dangerfield
Submitted by kschafer58 |Category: Funny
